Hey Reader!

This past weekend, Chris and I went to a farm dinner with a couple of our besties, which was ridiculously fun and over-the-top.

Basically, you show up to a farm where they serve you (literal) farm-fresh drinks while the farmer gives you a tour of where your dinner is coming from.

Then a chef makes a ridiculously delish dinner while you sit at a table, chatting with 40 other guests. It's totally bougie-y and kind of ridiculous (what do you wear to dinner in a field?), but was a total blast.

The other people were funny (a guy ate a grasshopper!), we bonded over getting eaten alive by the mosquitos (hey, we're on a farm!), our besties are HILARIOUS, and the food was excellent (farm ingredients actually make a difference!).

So, why did my brain have to implode and ruin the evening for myself? WHY INDEED.

Here's the thing you have to understand about my brain - I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression, which is a pretty hefty cocktail of variables that could throw me off course at any minute.

I manage everything pretty well with medication, exercise, sleep, therapy, meditation - omg, it really is a full time job, no wonder I don't get anything else done - and it STILL manages to mess with me.

So, we're sitting at the table, wrapping up the evening, and pretty much everyone else has left, except for the four of us and another small group. Someone had given our party their unfinished bottle of wine so my crew was enjoying a final glass before we hit the road.

Which is when I started freaking out.

I could see that the servers were starting to clear the table and my brain just went haywire.

If we don't leave immediately, we'll slow the servers down and then they won't be able to leave and that is rude and I abhor being rude and why is everyone being so rude?!?!?!?

Omg, this is just like when I used to wait tables and people would sit there forever and I couldn't get home and I would be so pissed and I can't have these people I don't know mad at me.

Why isn't Chris helping me? Guess he really doesn't care about me at all. He's more concerned with finishing his wine than making sure I'm okay!

I said I would drive and look where it gets me. Everyone else having fun and I'm here, keeping everyone on track so everyone doesn't hate us and it's all, ALWAYS, my responsibility.

And on and on...

To deal with it, I got really weird and stood about 5 yards away from the table to let my party know that I wasn't playing their game and to let the servers know I had nothing to do with these people. Classy.

This will come as a surprise, but it was all in my head. 🙄

-The servers literally didn't care. They were cleaning up around everyone and chatting away and didn't seem bothered. (One of them came over and pointed out stars when she saw me awkwardly standing in the middle of a field. IN THE DARK.)

-There was another group of people, sitting there, so we weren't the only ones.

-It was probably ten minutes, max, that my friends and husband sat there, not the YEARS I had in my head.

Of course, it didn't stop there because shame likes to hop in and play around when it has the chance.

For the rest of the night and the next day, I berated myself for getting worked up over something so ridiculous and putting a pall on an otherwise lovely evening.

Finally, on Sunday night, I talked about it with my husband, who was basically like, dude, no one really cared and these are your friends and they know you and you need to forgive yourself. (He's British and has never said "dude", but you get the idea.)

And, I'm trying to forgive, but, good lord, walking around as myself is sometimes hard.

It can be embarrassing. I feel like I mess up a lot and it makes me feel vulnerable and gross and want to hide. It makes me want to stay in my house where I can't make mistakes, or if I do, they're only visible to my family.

I won't, of course.

I'll keep going to things and putting myself out there.

I'll keep risking being awkward and messy.

I'll keep working through the emotions and trying to shorten the shame cycle.

I'll keep forgiving myself for being human.

I don't have a pat answer to wrap this up neatly so I'll just leave it with this: being human seems to be forgiving yourself for being human over and over again and sometimes that's the trickiest thing of all.

Sending you lots of love, grace, and humor this weekend!

xx. Kara

👆 YOUR "FEEL BETTER" OF THE WEEK!

I feel like this whole email is a "Feel Better" this week so instead, here's a pic of the cutest little bus from the folks who organized our dinner.

If you are looking for a special evening in Colorado, DO IT! Just hightail it out once you're done eating, k? MWAHAHAHA! 🙄

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